Listen more. Listening is not passive. One can control the negotiation process by simply listening well. When we listen well, we gain the trust and confidence of others. When people are encouraged to talk, they tell us their needs, their wants, their dreams, and their plans of action; in short, they give us information. When we truly listen to people, we make them feel important, particularly if we are making good eye contact while listening. The problem is that most of us don't truly listen when others talk. We just can't remain silent long enough to really hear them. Chances are we are just marking time until we can jump in and start talking. We should be aware that every time we do talk, we open ourselves up to being vulnerable.
Use the 10-second strategy. Silence makes most of us uncomfortable. In today's world, there is noise all around us, from cell phones ringing to the iPods in our ears to chats around the water cooler. We are conditioned to tolerate noise, not silence. Try this test: the next time you are negotiating with another party and he or she says something like "Well, that's my offer," don't utter a word for 10 seconds. It's practically guaranteed that the person will jump in with another offer or more information — anything to break the silence. When you get comfortable with 10 seconds, bump it up to 20 seconds. The silence will hang like lead and drive 'em crazy!
Ask questions. A good way to learn to maintain silence is to ask questions, another secret weapon of successful negotiators. The person asking the questions controls the conversation. While you can get information from the person answering the question, generally if you have done your homework, you should already know the answer before you ask. Lawyers are taught to never ask a question without already knowing the answer — good advice. What you are really doing here is getting the other person to talk, perhaps to verify your information but really to feel more comfortable working with you and therefore to trust you.
Let's turn that around. Realize that when someone asks you a question, there is no law that says you have to answer. Try remaining silent. The questioner will likely start talking again. A good negotiator who really does not want to answer a question might, after a while, say something like "Before I answer that, tell me why you ask." Throw it back. Remember: there is no law that states you have to answer questions asked of you.
Pause more between sentences. In a recent study, a team of scientists showed that in listening to a musical symphony, just a one-to-two-second break between movements triggers a flurry of mental activity. So could a one-to-two-second pause between sentences be just as powerful in helping others comprehend our information? Any comedian will tell you that it is the timing of pauses in his or her delivery that determines his or her success. Those of us who are fast talkers have to learn to be more deliberate and practice this art of pausing between sentences for more emphasis.
The flinch, the shrug, the smile…these actions are all guaranteed to carry powerful messages as you remain totally silent! The flinch is a quick, jerky movement of the shoulders, with a pained look on your face, as if you have just been struck. It sends an immediate message that you did not like what you heard. Once you flinch, then what? Why, remain silent. Wait for the other party to speak, and he or she quickly will, chances are while scrabbling to sweeten the deal. A shrug of your shoulders sends the message that you just don't care; you're not interested. Again, remain silent. And the smile. A silent smile is powerfully enigmatic (ask Mona Lisa), and the other party is left to guess what you are thinking. And, yes, again, don't let the first person who speaks be you.
Power negotiators, whether sellers or buyers, know that what you don't say is sometimes more powerful than what you do say. Use these tips the next time you negotiate and enjoy the power that silence brings.
About the Author
Liz Tahir honed her negotiating skills through years of making multimillion-dollar deals in company boardrooms. A former corporate executive, Liz heads Liz Tahir & Associates as a marketing consultant, conference speaker, and business writer. She delivers seminars and workshops on improving negotiating skills for better success in today's international marketplace. For more information about her services, go to www.liztahir.com or call her at 504-569-1670.
